Anger Management
Read these statements. Do they describe you?
You get hot as your heart starts beating fast. Your muscles tense, and your jaw clenches.
Maybe your ears have rung to the point that it’s hard to hear.
You lash out: yelling… moving quickly and aggressively.
You talk over people or don’t let them speak at all.
You say things you don’t mean – except… you kind of do mean them.
You’re vulgar and rude… unpredictable… even a little scary at times.
You hold a grudge like it’s nobody’s business!
You know you have an anger problem, and it’s hard to manage…
Sometimes, you need a drink and “take the edge off” – to wind down.
Sometimes it’s just easier not to be around other people altogether.
You find yourself isolating, ignoring calls from friends wanting to meet and catch up. Finding reasons to work late or work on weekends means less time wondering why you get so irritated and upset when the kids clamor for your attention.
While they all work at the moment – drinking, isolating, avoidance – their solution is only temporary. You didn’t explode or yell, but you also didn’t connect, love, or enjoy. And there are more moments and days ahead. You can’t avoid them all.
Unfortunately, calming down isn’t without its problems either…
Because when you do, you can see the pain in their eyes. Getting angry and frustrated over the smallest issue and seeing its effect on those you love is confusing and demoralizing. Next comes the guilt, “Why can’t I stop this?” “I’m a horrible person!”
You see your colleagues tip-toe around you at the office. Like you’re a ticking time bomb, and they don’t want to get the brunt of it. This is when the self-loathing sets in, “I’m such a failure!” And “I can’t do anything right. I hate myself!” The cycle – irritability, angry outburst, the impact of your anger on friends, colleagues, and loved ones, the crushing guilt, and self-hate – it’s been too much for too long.
Anger is actually a healthy emotion, BUT…
When it affects your life negatively…
When it affects your ability to function…
When it affects your judgment…
That’s when it’s time to ask for help.
It’s hard to admit when you need support and even harder when the help you need is to deal with emotions and how you feel. Men are expected to be strong, capable, competent. That means you’re supposed to be able to handle everything on your own and simply recalculate if things aren’t going the way they should. The problem is, that’s what you’ve been doing – handling it all on your own. And the relentless cycle of eruption, shame, and self-hatred keeps happening, over and over. And the only change is the growing exhaustion.
It’s not always easy, but living in this cycle isn’t easy either.
Don’t try to do this on your own. Let me help…
You need to know what’s behind your anger – what emotions are behind it.
Take a deep breath. It won’t be as hard as you think!
Together, we’ll talk through specific moments where you got angry, sifting through the details to discover what was behind the anger.
Anger’s always the first emotion that comes up, but there’s always more emotion behind it – shame, frustration, anxiety, fear… just to name a few.
Through this process, we’ll identify themes on what triggers your anger. Becoming more aware of the emotions and feelings that bring out the anger makes it possible for us to work on those difficult emotions and feelings, which helps reduce the anger.
The key is to have other coping skills.
Anger is a coping skill, so you need another one to put in its place if you take it away. There are two different goals with coping skills – one is to prevent the anger, and the other is to cope with the anger when it comes up.
First things first, you’ll learn and practice specific skills to cope with the anger in the moment. While you work on mastering those skills, we’ll also identify things that help prevent anger from happening altogether. Sometimes, that’s things like exercise; other times, it’s improved communication skills with your partner. Everybody’s different. We’ll identify which works best for you by trying different skills and discussing what’s working and not working.
You can “short-circuit” your anger.
But you have to be able to step in when it’s at a “4” (instead of a “10”). The reality is you’ll get angry, and that’s good for us because it gives us something to work with! That said, there’s a difference between having tense muscles and biting off your words – let’s call that a 4. And full-throttle “seeing red,” yelling, and scaring those around you; let’s call that a 10.
Together, we’ll go through various moments of anger to identify your anger thermometer. What does it look like, sound like, feel like when you’re a 3? What does it look like, sound like, feel like when you’re a 5? How about when you’re an 8? Using your thermometer, we’ll learn more about what skills allow you to intervene at a 3 and what skills you need at an 8.
While it sounds relatively simple, honing in on your anger thermometer will make a huge difference in your understanding and mastery of your anger.
Life doesn’t have to be this hard.
Aren’t you tired of hurting others with your words and behaviors?
Let me help you create the change you’ve always wanted – once and for all.
There’s no better time to reach out for help than today. Call me at (971) 915-0195.
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for more information on how I can help you
reach your goals.